Relationships Spouses & Partners How to Know If You Are in a Healthy Relationship By Kendra Cherry Kendra Cherry Facebook Twitter Kendra Cherry, MS, is the author of the "Everything Psychology Book (2nd Edition)" and has written thousands of articles on diverse psychology topics. Kendra holds a Master of Science degree in education from Boise State University with a primary research interest in educational psychology and a Bachelor of Science in psychology from Idaho State University with additional coursework in substance use and case management. Learn about our editorial process Updated on February 21, 2022 Medically reviewed Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. by Amy Morin, LCSW, Editor-in-Chief Print Verywell / Catherine Song Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Questions to Ask Yourself Signs of Healthy Relationships Signs of Problems Build a Healthier Relationship When to Seek Help Frequently Asked Questions Relationships are an important part of a healthy life. Research has consistently shown that social connections are critical for both mental and physical health. People who have healthy relationships have better health outcomes, are more likely to engage in healthy behaviors, and have a decreased risk of mortality. This article discusses some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship and how to spot the signs of potential problems. It also explores some of the steps you can take to improve the health of your relationship. Questions to Ask Yourself It is important to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Every relationship has a mix of both healthy and unhealthy characteristics. What makes a bond positive is that each person recognizes that relationships take work. Each person must strive to maintain the connection and remedy problems. People often spend a lot of time talking about how to spot a bad relationship, but not about what constitutes a healthy relationship. Consider the following: Do you have trust in one another?Do you respect each other?Do you support each other’s interests and efforts?Are you honest and open with each other?Are you able to maintain your individual identity?Do you talk about your feelings, hopes, fears, and dreams?Do you feel and express fondness and affection?Is there equality and fairness in your relationship? Every person’s needs are different. For example, some people have higher needs for openness and affection than others do. In a healthy relationship, each person is able to get what they need. Recap It can be helpful to look at your own relationship and consider whether or not it has healthy characteristics. Trust, respect, support, and honestly are a few important qualities to look for. 50 Questions to Ask to Get to Know Someone Better Characteristics of Healthy Relationships While all relationships are different, there are some key characteristics that help differentiate a healthy interpersonal connection from an unhealthy one. Trust Trust in your partner is a key component of any healthy relationship. Research suggests that your ability to trust others is influenced by your overall attachment style. Relationships experienced early in life help shape the expectations that you have for future relationships. If your past relationships have been secure, stable, and trusting, you are more likely to trust future partners as well. If, however, your past relationships were unstable and undependable, you may have to work through some trust issues going forward. Trust is also established by how partners treat one another. When you see that your partner treats you well, is dependable, and will be there when you need them, you are more likely to develop this trust. Building trust requires mutual self-disclosure by sharing things about yourself. As time passes, opportunities to test and evaluate that trust emerge. As trust grows, the relationship becomes a great source of comfort and security. If you feel that you have to hide things from your partner, it may be because you lack this essential trust. Openness and Honesty You should be able to feel that you can be yourself in a healthy relationship. While all couples have varying levels of openness and self-disclosure, you should never feel like you have to hide aspects of yourself or change who you are. Being open and honest with each other not only helps you feel more connected as a couple, but it also helps foster trust. Self-disclosure refers to what you are willing to share about yourself with another person. At the beginning of a relationship, you may hold back and exercise more caution about what you are willing to reveal. Over time, as the intimacy of a relationship increases, partners begin to reveal more of their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, interests, and memories to one another. This doesn’t mean that you need to share every single thing with your partner. Each individual needs their own privacy and space. What matters most is whether each partner feels comfortable sharing their hopes, fears, and feelings if they so choose. Healthy couples don't need to be together all the time or share everything. Differences in opinion over how much honesty there should be in a relationship can sometimes cause problems, however. Fortunately, one study found that when people are unhappy with their partner’s level of openness, they typically discuss the problem with their partner. This is a good example of how addressing a problem openly can help strengthen a relationship. While your partner may have different needs than you, it is important to find ways to compromise while still maintaining your own boundaries. Boundaries are not about secrecy; they establish that each person has their own needs and expectations. Healthy boundaries in a relationship allow you to still do the things that are important to you, such as going out with friends and maintaining privacy, while still sharing important things with your partner. A partner who has unhealthy expectations of openness and honesty might expect to know every detail of where you are and what you're doing, restrict who you can spend time with, or demand access to your personal social media accounts. Why Self-Disclosure Is Important In Relationships Mutual Respect In close, healthy relationships, people have a shared respect for one another. They don't demean or belittle one another and offer support and security. There are a number of different ways that couples can show respect for one another. These include: Listening to one another Not procrastinating or stonewalling when your partner asks you to do something Being understanding and forgiving when one person makes a mistake Building each other up; not tearing each other down Making room in your life for your partner Taking an interest in the things your partner enjoys Allowing your partner to have their own individuality Supporting and encouraging your partner’s pursuits and passions Showing appreciation and gratitude for one another Having empathy for one another Press Play for Mental Strength Tips Hosted by Editor-in-Chief and therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares five mental strength exercises you can do right from your couch (like practicing gratitude). Click below to listen now. Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts / Amazon Music Affection Healthy relationships are characterized by fondness and affection. Research has shown that the initial passion that marks the start of a new relationship tends to decline over time, but this does not mean that the need for affection, comfort, and tenderness lessens. Passionate love usually happens during the beginning of a relationship and is characterized by intense longing, strong emotions, and a need to maintain physical closeness. This passionate love eventually transforms into compassionate love, which is marked by feelings of affection, trust, intimacy, and commitment. While those intense early feelings eventually return to normal levels, couples in healthy relationships are able to build progressively deeper intimacy as the relationship progresses. However, it is important to remember that physical needs are different for each individual. There is no right amount of affection or intimacy. The key to a healthy relationship is that both partners are content with the level of affection that they share with their partner. A nurturing partnership is characterized by genuine fondness and affection for one another that is expressed in a variety of ways. Compassionate and Passionate Love Good Communication Healthy, long-lasting relationships, whether they are friendships or romantic partnerships, require the ability to communicate well. One study found that a couple's communication style was more important than stress, commitment, and personality in predicting whether married couples would eventually divorce. While it might seem like the best relationships are those that don’t involve conflict, knowing how to argue and resolve differences of opinion effectively is more important than simply avoiding arguments in order to keep the peace. Sometimes conflict can be an opportunity to strengthen a connection with your partner. Research has shown that conflict can be beneficial in intimate relationships when serious problems need to be addressed, allowing partners to make changes that benefit the future of the relationship. When conflicts do arise, those in healthy relationships are able to avoid personal attacks. Instead, they remain respectful and empathetic of their partner as they discuss their thoughts and feelings and work toward a resolution. Give-and-Take Strong relationships are marked by natural reciprocity. It isn’t about keeping score or feeling that you owe the other person. You do things for one another because you genuinely want to. This also doesn’t mean that the give-and-take in a relationship is always 100% equal. At times, one partner may need more help and support. In other cases, one partner may simply prefer to take more of a caregiver role. Such imbalances are fine as long as each person is ok with the dynamic and both partners are getting the support that they need. Recap Characteristics of healthy relationships include trust, openness, honesty, respect, affection, communication, and mutual give-and-take. Signs of Problems in a Relationship Relationships can change over time and not every relationship is 100% healthy all the time. Times of stress, in particular, can lead to unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms that can create problems. A relationship is unhealthy when the bad outweighs the good or when certain behaviors are harmful to one or both individuals. Attempts to control your behaviors Avoiding one anotherBeing afraid to share your opinions or thoughtsBeing pressured to quit the things you enjoyCriticizing what you do, who you spend time with, how you dress, etc.Feeling pressured to change who you areFeeling that spending time together is an obligationLack of fairness when settling conflictsLack of privacy or pressure to share every detail of your life with your partnerNeglecting your own needs to put your partner firstPoor communicationUnequal control over shared resources including money and transportationYelling Some problems may be temporary and something that you can address together, either through self-help methods or by consulting a mental health professional. When it comes to more serious problems, such as abusive behaviors, your primary concern should be on maintaining your safety and security. If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. How to Build a Healthier Relationship Toxic behaviors are often a sign that an unhealthy relationship should end. For other problems, there are many ways to fix weaknesses and build a healthier relationship. Show Appreciation Couples who feel gratitude for one another feel closer to one another and tend to be more satisfied with their relationships. One study published in the journal Personal Relationships found that showing gratitude for a partner can be an important way to boost satisfaction in romantic relationships. Another study found that feeling gratitude for a romantic partner was a predictor of whether a relationship would last. Keep Things Interesting Keeping up with the daily grind of work and kids can sometimes cause couples to fall into the same old routine. Boredom can lead to greater dissatisfaction as a relationship goes on. Researchers have found, for example, that couples who reported feeling bored in the seventh year of their relationship were more likely to experience marital dissatisfaction nine years later. So what are some things that you can do to keep the romance alive over the long term? Make time for one another; schedule in dates or set aside time each week to focus on one anotherTry new things together; take a class or try a new hobby that you can both enjoyBreak out of the same old routineLook for ways to surprise each otherSpend time apart once in a whileTurn off digital devices and spend time focused only on one anotherFind time for intimacy Recap Steps you can take that may help make your relationship healthier include showing appreciation for your partner and finding ways to keep the relationship interesting. When to Seek Help All relationships are going to have their bumps in the road. Conflicts over finances, the challenges of parenting, and other differences can all create ups and downs in a long-term relationship. Even if you and your partner have a healthy relationship most of the time, problems might sometimes arise that might benefit from professional help. If you feel like your relationship might benefit from outside help, consider talking to a counselor or therapist. A mental health professional skilled in addressing interpersonal and relationship issues can help you both learn to communicate, listen, and cope with some of the issues that might be challenging your relationship. It is important to remember that you cannot force someone to change their behavior unless they want to. If your partner is not interested or willing in going to counseling, go on your own and focus on your own needs and wellness. Work on building your social support system outside of the relationship and consider ending a relationship if it is ultimately unhealthy. Recap Working with a couples therapist can be a helpful way to address issues that you might be having in your relationship. Signs That You’re In an Unhealthy Relationship A Word From Verywell Even if your relationship seems healthy, it can be helpful at times to step back and look for improvements you can make together. Healthy relationships are marked by an ability to recognize problems, including your own, that might pose a threat to the long-term success of your relationship. By being willing to analyze your relationship, you can work together to build a more fulfilling partnership. An Overview of Relationship Counseling Frequently Asked Questions Why am I not happy in my relationship? One reason why you might be unhappy in your relationship is that you have different beliefs, values, or goals than your partner. Feeling like you are being held back from accomplishing your goals or feeling like you need to change your partner can also contribute to unhappiness. Learn More: What to Do If You're In an Unhappy Relationship What are some examples of healthy boundaries in relationships? Healthy boundaries are unique to each individual and each couple. They establish what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Examples of healthy boundaries include agreeing not to go through each other's phones, giving each other the time and space to have friendships outside of the marriage, and respecting each other's personal space. Learn More: Boundaries in Relationships Why do people cheat in relationships? Infidelity can have a range of causes that may include past cheating, substance use, psychological health problems, personality characteristics, and sex addiction. Learn More: Reasons Why Married People Cheat 8 Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Umberson D, Montez JK. Social relationships and health: a flashpoint for health policy. J Health Soc Behav. 2010;51 Suppl(Suppl):S54–S66. doi:10.1177/0022146510383501 Campbell L, Stanton SC. Adult attachment and trust in romantic relationships. Curr Opin Psychol. 2019;25:148-151. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.08.004 Thompson CM, Vangelisti AL. What happens when the standard for openness goes unmet in romantic relationships? Analyses of stress, coping, and relational consequences. J Soc Pers Relat. 2016;33:320-343. doi:10.1177/0265407515574468 Acevedo BP, Aron A, Fisher HE, Brown LL. Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2012;7(2):145-59. doi:10.1093/scan/nsq092 Lavner JA, Bradbury TN. Why do even satisfied newlyweds eventually go on to divorce?. J Fam Psychol. 2012;26(1):1-10. doi:10.1037/a0025966 Overall NC, McNulty JK. What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships?. Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1–5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002 Algoe SB, Gable SL Maisel NC. It's the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Pers Relat. 2010;17(2):217-233. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01273.x Gordon AM, Impett EA, Kogan A, Oveis C, Keltner D. To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2010;103(2):257-74. doi:10.1037/a0028723 By Kendra Cherry Kendra Cherry, MS, is the author of the "Everything Psychology Book (2nd Edition)" and has written thousands of articles on diverse psychology topics. Kendra holds a Master of Science degree in education from Boise State University with a primary research interest in educational psychology and a Bachelor of Science in psychology from Idaho State University with additional coursework in substance use and case management. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Review Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? Other Helpful Report an Error Submit Speak to a Therapist for Relationships Advertiser Disclosure × The offers that appear in this table are from partnerships from which Verywell Mind receives compensation.