Addiction Alcohol Use Children of Alcoholics Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics You'll likely identify with these traits if you grew up around alcoholism By Buddy T Buddy T Facebook Twitter Buddy T is an anonymous writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Learn about our editorial process Updated on November 05, 2021 Medically reviewed Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. by David Susman, PhD Medically reviewed by David Susman, PhD David Susman, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist with experience providing treatment to individuals with mental illness and substance use concerns. Learn about our Medical Review Board Print Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Overview Lasting Effects The Laundry List ACoAs and Relationships Support If you grew up in a home with a parent who misused alcohol, you're probably familiar with the feeling of never knowing what to expect from one day to the next. When one or both parents struggle with addiction, the home environment is predictably unpredictable. Overview Argument, inconsistency, unreliability, and chaos tend to run rampant. Children of alcoholics don't get many of their emotional needs met due to these challenges, often leading to skewed behaviors and difficulties in properly caring for themselves and their feelings later in life. If you were never given the attention and emotional support you needed during a key developmental time in your youth and instead were preoccupied with the dysfunctional behavior of a parent, it may certainly be hard (or perhaps impossible) to know how to get your needs met as an adult. Furthermore, if you lacked positive foundational relationships, it may be difficult to develop healthy, trusting interpersonal relationships later on. Children of alcoholics often have to deny their feelings of sadness, fear, and anger in order to survive. Since unresolved feelings will always surface eventually, they often manifest during adulthood. The advantage to recognizing this is that you're an adult now and no longer a helpless child. You can face these issues and find resolution in a way you couldn't back then. Illustration by JR Bee, Verywell Lasting Effects Many children of alcoholics develop similar characteristics and personality traits. In her 1983 landmark book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics," the late Janet G. Woititz, Ed.D, outlined 13 of them. "Dr. Jan" (as she was known) was a best-selling author, lecturer, and counselor who was also married to an alcoholic. Based on her personal experience with alcoholism and its effect on her children, as well as her work with clients who were raised in dysfunctional families, Janet discovered that these common characteristics are prevalent not only in alcoholic families but also in those who grew up in families where there were other compulsive behaviors. Examples of behaviors include gambling, drug abuse, or overeating. Other types of dysfunction, such as parents who were chronically ill or held strict religious attitudes, were also implicated. She cited that adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) often: Guess at what normal behavior isHave difficulty following a project through from beginning to endLie when it would be just as easy to tell the truthJudge themselves without mercyHave difficulty having funTake themselves very seriouslyHave difficulty with intimate relationshipsOverreact to changes over which they have no controlConstantly seek approval and affirmationFeel that they're different from other peopleAre super responsible or super irresponsibleAre extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeservedAre impulsivePeople may tend to lock themselves in a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.A person's impulsively can lead to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, the person spends an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. If you're a child of an alcoholic, that doesn't mean that everything on this list will apply to you. Though because the experiences have common features, it's likely you will recognize at least a few items on Dr. Jan's list. The Laundry List Before Dr. Jan's book was published, an adult child of an alcoholic, Tony A., published in 1978 what he called "The Laundry List," another list of characteristics that can seem very familiar to those who grew up in dysfunctional homes. Tony's list has been adopted as part of the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization's official literature and is a basis for the article, "The Problem," published on the group's website. According to Tony's list, many adult children of alcoholics can: Become isolated Fear people and authority figures Become approval seekers Be frightened of angry people Be terrified of personal criticism Become alcoholics, marry them, or both View life as a victim Have an overwhelming sense of responsibility Be concerned more with others than themselves Feel guilty when they stand up for themselves Become addicted to excitement Confuse love and pity "Love" people who need rescuing Stuff their feelings Lose the ability to feel Have low self-esteem Judge themselves harshly Become terrified of abandonment Do anything to hold on to a relationship Become "para-alcoholics" (people who take on the characteristics of the disease without drinking) Become reactors instead of actors ACoAs and Relationships Many adult children of alcoholics lose themselves in their relationship with others, sometimes finding themselves attracted to alcoholics or other compulsive personalities, such as workaholics, who are emotionally unavailable. Adult children may also form relationships with others who need their help or need to be rescued, to the extent of neglecting their own needs. If they place the focus on the overwhelming needs of someone else, they don't have to look at their own difficulties and shortcomings. Often, adult children of alcoholics will take on the characteristics of alcoholics, even though they've never picked up a drink: exhibiting denial, poor coping skills, poor problem solving, and forming dysfunctional relationships. Support for Adult Children of Alcoholics If you identify with the characteristics outlined in either Dr. Woititz's or Tony A.'s book, you might want to take our Adult Children Screening Quiz to get an idea of how much you may have been affected by growing up as you did. Many adult children find that seeking professional treatment or counseling for insight into their feelings, behaviors, and struggles helps them achieve greater awareness of how their childhood shaped who they are today. The process is often overwhelming in the beginning, but it can help you learn how to express your needs and cope with conflict in new and constructive ways. If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. Others have found help through mutual support groups such as Al-Anon Family Groups or Adult Children of Alcoholics. You can find a support group meeting in your area or online meetings for both Al-Anon and ACOA. 5 Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Hinrichs J, Defife J, Westen D. Personality subtypes in adolescent and adult children of alcoholics: a two-part study. J Nerv Ment Dis. 2011;199(7):487-98. doi:10.1097/NMD.0b013e3182214268 Janet Woititz, Ed.D. Adult Children of Alcoholics. Hazelden Store. Saxon W. Janet G. Woititz, 55, Author Who Studied Alcoholics' Children. The New York Times. Woititz JG, Garner A. Lifeskills for adult children. Amazon. Tony A's Original Laundry List. Adult Children of Alcoholics Arizona. Additional Reading Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, "The Laundry List—14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic." (Attributed to Tony A., 1978). Woititz, Janet G. "Adult Children of Alcoholics," 2010 Expanded Edition. By Buddy T Buddy T is an anonymous writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Review Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? 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