Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems What Is Stonewalling? By Marni Feuerman Marni Feuerman is a psychotherapist in private practice who has been helping couples with marital issues for more than 27 years. Learn about our editorial process Marni Feuerman Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on January 26, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments. Learn about our Review Board Carly Snyder, MD Updated on January 26, 2021 Print martin-dm / Getty Images Table of Contents View All Table of Contents What Is Stonewalling? Signs Causes Types Impact What to Do What Is Stonewalling? Stonewalling involves refusing to communicate with another person. Intentionally shutting down during an argument, also known as the silent treatment, can be hurtful, frustrating, and harmful to the relationship. Stonewalling is broadly described by the following behaviors: A general discomfort in discussing feelingsDismissing or minimizing a partner’s concernsRefusing to respond to questionsRefusing to make eye contact or offer nonverbal communication cuesWalking away from discussions that cause stress Stonewalling is rarely effective. And, if it becomes a habit, it can reduce a couple's ability to resolve conflicts or interact intimately. Signs of Stonewalling Many times, stonewalling in a relationship is obvious. However, it also can be subtle and you may not realize that you or your partner are engaging in stonewalling. Signs of stonewalling can include: Ignoring what the other person is sayingChanging the subject to avoid an uncomfortable topicStorming off without a wordComing up with reasons why they can't talkRefusing to answer questionsMaking accusations rather than talking about the current problemUsing dismissive body language such as rolling or closing their eyesEngaging in passive-aggressive behaviors such as stalling or procrastinating to avoid talking about a problemRefusing to ever acknowledge their stonewalling behavior Causes While stonewalling can be hurtful, you shouldn't necessarily assume that it is inherently ill-intended. At its very heart, stonewalling is often a behavior born out of fear, anxiety, and frustration. Some reasons a person may resort to stonewalling include: A generalized avoidance of conflict (emotional passivity)A desire to reduce tension in an emotionally-charged situationA genuine belief that they “cannot handle” a certain topicA fear of their partner’s reaction or where a talk may leadA belief that their partner has no desire to resolve the conflictAn underlying hopelessness that a resolution cannot be foundA means to establish themselves as neutral on the subjuctA way to view their partner as "emotional" or "unreasonable" A means to manipulate a situation so that they can get their wayA means of bringing a situation to a crisis, either to draw larger grievances into the conflict or to end a relationship altogether Stonewalling is oftentimes a tactic learned during childhood. It may have been a behavior their parents used to "keep the peace" or to gain dominance in the family hierarchy. Even if the stonewalling appears intentional and aggressive, remember that it's often used by people who feel powerless or have low self-worth. Within this context, stonewalling may a defensive mechanism used to compensate for these feelings. Research suggests that men are more likely to stonewall, due in part to societal roles that place women as communicators and dictate that men are "strong and silent." Healthy Coping Skills for Uncomfortable Emotions Types of Stonewalling There are a few different ways that stonewalling might appear in a relationship. These include: Unintentional stonewalling: Sometimes stonewalling is a learned response that partners use to cope with difficult or emotional issues. People who stonewall may do so to avoid escalating a fight or to avoid discussing an uncomfortable topic. They also might be afraid of their partner's reaction.Intentional stonewalling: In extreme cases, stonewalling is used to manipulate a situation, maintain control in the relationship, or inflict punishment. If you think your partner is verbally abusing you, speak with a counselor or therapist for advice.Behaviors that are mistaken for stonewalling: It's important to note that stonewalling is not the same thing as asking for space or setting boundaries. Asking for time or space requires communication. When partners ask if they can discuss something later, they are not stonewalling you. In fact, insisting that they speak to you at that moment when they have asked for space is controlling. If stonewalling is used to control, belittle, disrespect, or demean the other person, it may be a form of emotional abuse. In such cases, you should reach out to a mental health professional for help. Impact on Relationships Whatever the underlying cause, stonewalling can damage a relationship. Partners who are stonewalled often feel demeaned or abused. They may even begin to question their own self-worth. Moreover, shutting someone out often escalates the very situation it was meant to avert. It either forces a confrontation, or frustrations build to a point where regrettable things are said. Some researchers have suggested that stonewalling is a key predictor for divorce. It signals an unwillingness to resolve problems central to sustaining the relationship. Other studies have shown that the behavior can have a direct physiological impact on both partners. A 2016 study, which followed 156 couples over a 15-year period, concluded that stonewalling was associated with acute musculoskeletal symptoms such as backaches, neck stiffness, and generalized muscle aches. By contrast, the stonewalled partner was more likely to experience cardiovascular symptoms such as increased blood pressure, tension headaches, and rapid heart rate. Overcoming Stonewalling If stonewalling occurs within your relationship, it is best to deal with it as a couple. Whether you are the stonewaller or the person being stonewalled, you cannot isolate stonewalling as the problem. Doing so only assigns blame and ends up diminishing the larger issues in the relationship. Because a relationship is unlikely to succeed without communication and collaboration, you need to find the right tools to "reprogram" old communication habits. This situation is one where couples counseling can help. The 6 Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs Couples therapy is designed to help both partners understand why the stonewalling is taking place. As a couple, you learn to identify behaviors or practices that lead to stonewalling. Once those are identified, you can then be taught a more structured approach to communication. Here are some elements that might be included in the strategy. Accepting feedback and acknowledging wrong perceptions or mistakesAcknowledging what was said before launching into a replyAgreeing to postpone the conversation if things get contentiousBeing aware of body language while the other person speaksExpressing understanding of the situation and allowing each person to replyDecompressing before approaching a contentious topicFinding a safe space where neither partner feels corneredSetting a time to return to the conversation when things have settledUsing words that are neutral rather than criticizing or accusing While it may take time to get used to these techniques, eventually they will become automatic. Then, you and your partner will be able to resolve situations rather than react to them. A Word From Verywell Stonewalling can have damaging effects on a relationship, but it is also something that individuals and couples can work to overcome. Couples counseling can be a great place to start. A counselor or therapist can help you learn to spot the signs of stonewalling and develop healthier, more productive ways of communicating. If your partner refuses to participate in counseling, you may still find it helpful to talk to a therapist. A mental health professional can help you learn to cope. If a resolution cannot be found, something such as a trial separation or even an end to the relationship may be necessary. Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Sign Up You're in! Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. There was an error. Please try again. What are your concerns? Other Inaccurate Hard to Understand Submit Article Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Fischer DJ, Fink BC. Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2014;51(1):11-4. doi:10.1037/a0033823 Gottman J, Levenson R. The timing of divorce: predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. J Marriage Family. 2000;62:737-45. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x Kippert A. Where are your boundaries? DomesticShelters.org. Published November 19, 2019. Haase C, Holley S, Bloch L, et al. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: a 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016;16(7):965-77. doi:10.1037/a00402.