Coping With the Death of Your Spouse

Losing a spouse can be devastating, whether the death is sudden or following a long illness. One day you are married; the next day you are single, alone, and grieving. Between the intense emotions, the lifestyle changes, and the many practical considerations that accompany the death of your spouse, you probably feel overwhelmed and anxious about your future. Over time, the grief will likely subside and you will build a new life for yourself. In the meantime, here are some tips to help you cope:

There is no "right" way to feel after losing your spouse. So many variables contribute to your reaction, including how long and happy your marriage was, how your spouse died, how old your children are (if you have them), and how dependent you were on one another.

You may feel numb, shocked, brokenhearted, or anxious. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive or relieved that your spouse is no longer suffering if he or she was ill for a long time. You might even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you. You may cry a lot, or you may not. How you grieve is unique to you.

Be prepared for friends and family who may not know what to say, avoid you, or try to comfort you with cliches (such as "he's in a better place). Often, well-meaning people are uncomfortable talking about death, but it doesn't mean they don't care. If you can, tell those close to you what you need (or don't need). If people avoid mentioning your spouse, for example, and you actually want to talk about him, let them know. Keep in mind that your friends and family are also grieving and may find it comforting to share memories of your spouse.

Grieving can take a toll on your body as well as your emotions. You may have no appetite or trouble sleeping. It may be easier said than done, but try to take care of yourself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Try to avoid drowning your sorrows by drinking excessively, as that can actually exacerbate your pain.

Be sure to let your healthcare provider know if you are having trouble following through on everyday activities, like getting dressed or fixing meals for yourself.

Coping with the aftermath of loss is often extremely lonely and confusing, and it is not unusual to feel depressed. You may be inclined to turn inward, but you'll probably fare better if you seek support from family, friends, your religious community (if you have one), or a counselor. Joining a support group with other people who are grieving can also be very comforting. Your healthcare provider, therapist, or local hospital can usually provide information on locating such groups. Numerous bereavement groups are available online as well.

Navigating your social life as a single person can be complicated. If you and your spouse socialized with other couples regularly, you may not know how to fit in now. You may feel awkward going to parties and other events solo. Tell your friends how you feel and explain that you may need to avoid "couples" dinner parties and get-togethers for a while and see friends one-on-one instead.

However, being single can also provide a welcome opportunity to seek out new friends. Consider volunteering or taking a class to motivate you to get out of the house and pursue something meaningful.

Losing a spouse is life-changing and profound grief is a normal reaction. Sometimes, though, grief is so profound that it interferes with your ability to move forward with your own life. This is known as "complicated grief." Signs include:

• Feeling as if you have no purpose anymore
• Having difficulty performing everyday activities
• Experiencing continued feelings of guilt, or blaming yourself for your loved one’s death
• Wishing you had died as well
• Losing the desire to socialize

If you can't get past these feelings, talk to your doctor or a therapist, who can recommend treatment options. As hard as losing a spouse is, it is possible to create a new and fulfilling life for yourself while still cherishing the memories of your relationship.

*Article updated by Marni Feuerman