Relationships Spouses & Partners How to Practice Forgiveness in Marriage Learning to Let Go After Betrayal or Hurt By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial process Updated on October 29, 2019 Medically reviewed Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. by Amy Morin, LCSW Medically reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW Facebook LinkedIn Twitter Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, the author of the bestselling book "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," and the host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. Learn about our Medical Review Board Print Verywell / JR Bee Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Health Benefits How to Forgive Ask for Forgiveness Forgiveness in Marriage When Forgiveness Is Not Enough Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool in marriage. Additionally, being able to forgive is a way to keep yourself healthy both emotionally and physically. In fact, forgiving and letting go may be one of the most important ways to keep you and your marriage going strong. Some transgressions are so harmful that a marriage can't survive, but forgiveness can still play a role. Health Benefits If you hold onto old hurts, disappointments, petty annoyances, betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing your hurt (whether real or perceived) for too long can eventually make it turn into something more—hate and extreme bitterness. Lack of forgiveness can also wear you down. Being unforgiving takes both a physical and mental toll. Resentment gains momentum and chips away at the foundation of your well-being and your relationship. Instead, share your feelings. Health experts at Johns Hopkins report that the act of forgiveness can reduce the risk of heart attack, lower cholesterol levels, improve sleep, reduce pain, lower your blood pressure, and decrease levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. Studies have also suggested that forgiveness provides substantial benefits. The Many Benefits of Forgiveness How to Forgive Your Partner There are different techniques you can use to find a place of forgiveness when you have experienced betrayal. Consider each method and find the combination that works best for you. The hurt you have suffered may make a difference. Certainly, it is more difficult to forgive a spouse for years of infidelity than it is for a minor mistake such as forgetting to pay a bill on time. Try to be patient with yourself as you experiment with different strategies. Be open and receptive to forgiveness.Make a conscious decision to forgive your spouse.Think of a calming place or do something to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts, when images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind,Refrain from throwing an error or mistake back in your spouse's face at a later date; don't use it as ammunition in an argument.Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression, behavior, or mistake.Refrain from seeking revenge or retribution; trying to get even will only extend the pain and chances are good that this won't really make you feel better anyway.Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful behavior.Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your spouse takes time. Don't try to hurry the process.Seek professional counseling to help you let go and forgive if you are still unable to forgive, or you find yourself dwelling on the betrayal or hurt. How to Forgive Someone How to Ask for Forgiveness If you are the partner who has caused hurt, you can ask for forgiveness in an effort to rebuild trust in the relationship. Remember to give yourself and your partner time when working through the process. Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you've caused.Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your partner again by repeating the hurtful behavior.Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt.Be open to making amends.Make a heartfelt and verbal apology; this includes a plan of action to make things right.Be patient with your partner. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don't dismiss your spouse's feelings of betrayal by telling them to "get over it." Forgiveness in Marriage Marriage, like other close relationships, needs forgiveness to thrive. Remember that everyone makes mistakes. We all have bad or grumpy days. Most of us say things we don't mean now and then. Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven. This is especially true if the person who hurt you is attempting to make amends and seek forgiveness; it's more difficult if your partner is not remorseful. But even then, you may find value in offering forgiveness. No healthy relationship, especially a marriage, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness. But remember that forgiveness isn't absolution. Forgiveness is a conscious decision and a practice of releasing feelings of resentment. Forgiveness can provide you and your partner with the tools to process and move on. Even though you may find it find it difficult, being able to forgive is crucial for the long haul. Get Advice From The Verywell Mind Podcast Hosted by Editor-in-Chief and therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares why it's OK to give second chances, featuring Purple Heart recipient Craig Rossi and Fred. Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts / RSS When Forgiveness Is Not Enough If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray or lie to you, or makes no real effort to change their behavior, then it may be time to say enough is enough. This behavior calls for you to seriously evaluate your marriage. When there is enough evidence that these major concerns are not going away, despite your effort to forgive, it may be time to think about separation or divorce. According to psychiatrist Karen Swartz, MD, forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. "Having a relationship with someone in the future is about whether they are reliable and dependable and trustworthy." Sometimes trust is broken in such a way that reconciliation isn't in your best interest. In situations where there was an extended period of abuse or betrayal, but it is no longer occurring, forgiveness for the past hurt may take longer, and that is OK. You both must be open to talking about it and continuing to process it. Your process might even include seeking guidance from a licensed professional counselor or other mental health professional. The 6 Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Sign Up You're in! Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. There was an error. Please try again. What are your concerns? Other Inaccurate Hard to Understand Submit 3 Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM. Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study. Ann Behav Med. 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6 He Q, Zhong M, Tong W, et al. Forgiveness, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability in the Early Years of Chinese Marriage: An Actor-Partner Interdependence Mediation Model. Front Psychol. 2018;9:1520. Published 2018 Sep 4. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01520 Sandler L. The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Johns Hopkins Medicine. Additional Reading Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It. Johns Hopkins Medicine. Speak to a Therapist for Relationships Advertiser Disclosure × The offers that appear in this table are from partnerships from which Verywell Mind receives compensation.