How to Get Back Together With an Ex

Two lovers, one pecking the other


MoMo Productions/Getty Images

It doesn’t matter how long or how briefly a relationship may have lasted—meeting a person and learning about their likes, dislikes, and annoying little quirks often makes it hard to let go completely.

Whether you made the decision to bring an end to your relationship, or your partner’s ‘we need to talk’ text set the ball rolling for a break-up, there are times where splitting with an ex can feel like a permanent fix for what may have only been a temporary set-back. In these times, the reasons for getting back together often appear to outweigh whatever grounds led to a separation in the first place.

Before considering how to get back with a former partner, it’s important to be 100% certain that you’re doing so for all the right reasons.

We’ll be looking at potential factors that could encourage returning to your ex, as well as different tips to try to get your former partner back into your life.

Reasons to Get Back With an Ex

Beyond the still fluttering butterflies in your stomach, or how strongly you miss them after returning from a long day at work, there are stronger motivations to consider before making the decision to pursue a former flame.

The Relationship Is Fixable

Sometimes, there’s nothing like time apart to allow for a fresh look into a relationship. Getting away from your partner can offer a chance to look at things more objectively: were we too hasty to call things off? Would honest conversations have made things better? Why did we throw things away when there was still so much love left in the relationship?

Coming to the realization that patience, hard work, and some hard-to-let go of feelings can restore your relationship, is often a good sign to try again with a former partner.

Either or Both of You Have Changed for the Better 

Despite the hurt leftover from ending things with a partner, the fact remains that breakups tend to happen for well-founded reasons. While infidelity and a loss of interest are commonly to blame for ending things—sometimes, a clash of personalities could be responsible for the end of a relationship.

Being with a partner that is always unwilling to compromise, or one who has troubles opening up or showing affection may, among many things, cause considerable friction within the relationship and could lead to a breakup.

In situations like this, there is sometimes a chance for love to remain regardless.  After enough time has passed and multiple signs are available to show positive growth between the partners, giving the relationship another shot may be a wise choice.

Trust Can Be Rebuilt in the Relationship

Because trust is the foundation of most healthy relationships, having it broken by cheating, or persistent lies can make it hard to continue with a partner that has hurt you so deeply.

However, in cases where there is genuine remorse for the breach of trust, and openings are available with your partner to have honest conversations about why said breach happened, there may be a chance to rekindle the relationship. This is of course following an agreement to be open and honest going forward.

You’re Both Willing to Work to Get Back Together

A relationship requires more than one person's participation. This is why even though you may be willing and excited at the chance to continue a relationship with an ex, it's important that they are on the same page as you.

Once you and your former partner are okay with giving life together another shot, you can then follow necessary steps to getting the relationship back on track.

How to Get Back With an Ex

When you've made the decision to get back with an ex, the last thing you want to do is make the same mistakes that led to the end of the relationship the first time around. To avoid this, deliberate effort has to be made when rekindling the love and feelings once shared. Here are some careful steps you can take when getting back with your ex.

Take Your Time Before Reaching Out

When you're itching to resume life with an ex, one of the last things you'll want to hear is any advice suggesting a little space before taking the plunge to reach out.

What you should know, however, is that anyone that gives you this guidance is looking out for your best interest. Taking some time can help you look deep within for what you really want from the relationship, and can help with examining what love languages you can speak better with your partner.

It'll also give you the distance necessary to think through any changes that may be required to get back into healthy form with your ex. Giving your partner a little space might also afford them the opportunity to miss you, allowing them to recognize how preferable it is for you to be in their life.

Think About What Could Have Happened Differently

While taking time apart from your ex, you should dedicate some time to review the relationship, especially noting things that could have been handled better or differently.

Use this time to have honest conversations with yourself about where you may have contributed to the end of your relationship. It's also a good time to look deeply into what worked and what didn't with your partner. At this point, it is very important to consider whether or not the relationship is salvageable.

If, after considering things carefully, a second go remains appealing, you can then proceed with your efforts to reach out.

Reach Out to Your Ex to Talk About the Relationship

After taking a closer look and accepting responsibility for the role you may have had in ending your relationship, you'll want to use the newfound clarity to speak honestly to your former partner.

Call them and ask if they'd be open to speaking honestly about your relationship. If they're open to it, share the new insights you have about what caused the breakup and get their feedback to see if they share the same sentiments.

Listen to any alternate suggestions they might have, but always make sure you're on the same page, or at least at a reasonable compromise when it comes to serious matters that caused difficulties in the relationship.

Now is not the time to consider who was right or wrong, but rather, it's a time to review what could have been done differently for a happier outcome. You can also lighten the mood and discuss happier times in your relationship.

From your conversation, you should be able to get a sense of where they may stand when it comes to getting back together.

Bring Up the Possibility of Getting Back Together

After discussing the past with your former partner, you can then bring up the possibility of a future with them.

How you go about this can be entirely up to you and how you interpret their response. However, it may be advisable to have a few conversations where you catch up and speak only as friends before bringing up any discussions that may lead to giving your relationship another chance.

Have a Trial Period

When it comes to getting back with your ex, taking things slow is usually the name of the game. Where they agree to another go on the relationship saddle, it’s probably for the best to take some time before hopping on and galloping into the sunset. 

Give each other time to get back into the routine of things—watch how little arguments are resolved in this new phase. Examine how easily the changes you agreed on are implemented, take the time to confirm that this isn’t merely a hasty, passionate decision. You want to be sure a revived relationship is capable of surviving future tests.

During this trial period, it may be best to keep the status of your relationship private. This means taking things slowly with telling your friends and family you’re back together, or posting about it on social media.

Ease Back Into the Relationship

After a period of introspection, joint discussions, and a trial run, it may be time to ease back into the full, public swing of things.

Remaining respectful of your partner's feelings, agreeing to handle disagreements with love, and reaching healthy compromises to maintain the relationship should feature prominently in the second chapter of your relationship.

A Word From Verywell

The end of a relationship can be very painful, especially when there's still a lot of love and mutual appreciation present in former partners.

The good news is, when the door of a relationship is closed shut, the right set of circumstances can pry it open for another chance with your former partner.

Taking the time to evaluate, speaking honestly with your ex, and piecing apart what didn't work and what should have been in place in the relationship can help with getting your relationship back on track.

Was this page helpful?