Relationships How to Choose Your Dating Dealbreakers Wisely By Candis McDow Candis McDow Facebook LinkedIn Twitter Candis McDow is from Atlanta, GA, and has been a mental health advocate since 2014. She has lived experience and charges to bring awareness to the oblivious and provide hope to peers. Learn about our editorial process Updated on December 09, 2021 Medically reviewed Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD LinkedIn Twitter Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program. Learn about our Medical Review Board Print Verywell / Jiaqi Zhou Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Where Do Dating Dealbreakers Come From? Common Dealbreakers Unfair Expectations When Is Something a Dealbreaker? Let's face it. When it comes to dating, certain things can be a little hard to overlook. For example, maybe you hate it when someone talks with food in their mouth, has crooked teeth, or reminds you of someone you can't stand (which, by the way, is completely unfair to that person). Dealbreakers come in all shapes and sizes, but be careful because if you're too picky, you could end up with the only person you can seem to tolerate...yourself. 6 Ways to Feel Better About Being Single Where Do Dating Dealbreakers Originate? Many new relationships are doomed from the start because past experiences spill over into the next. When this occurs, all of the baggage of that previous relationship and all of the dealbreakers you discovered while dating your ex come flooding into your mind. While it may seem helpful at first, carrying your past into a new relationship often wreaks havoc on the new one because you're no longer seeing this person for who they are on their own. Navigating the 4 Stages of a Relationship Common Dealbreakers If you've been in the dating game or are newly entering the dating game, you'll know that, aside from all of the amazing (or not-so-amazing) first kisses, some people you run into may possess some annoying or downright intolerable habits. So let's take a look at some of the most common dating dealbreakers. Inconsistency If someone you're dating is here today and gone tomorrow, then that's a definite red flag. If someone really wants to date you and get to know you, they will pull out all of the stops. Wondering where that person may be or who they are with could cause a lot of friction in the relationship, which is why the next point is so essential. Poor Communication In all aspects of life, communication is the primary source. Without communication, nothing can prosper. If you're dating someone and they can't properly communicate with you, that's an ultimate dealbreaker because how else are you going to get to know one another? If they can go hours and days without speaking to you, that means you aren't one of their top priorities. Likewise, if they seem to fall off the face of the planet for some reason, that is also a clear lack of interest. In fact, ghosting is probably the loudest way to say you don't care about a person. Being Ghosted: Why It Happens and How to Cope Lack of Interest or One-Sidedness If you feel you're doing all of the work and the other person is just coasting by, there is a problem. One-sided relationships rately last; each person has to put in the same effort to work as a partnership. Has that person shown any interest in your career? Do they know your favorite hobby or color? The little things matter. Blatant Disrespect If you find that a person is disrespectful and you call them out on it, and they don't change, that's a dealbreaker. First dates tell you so much about a person if you pay attention to factors such as body language and other forms of nonverbal communication. Your eyes can often tell you what your ears cannot. People may try to put on a facade initially, but if you pay attention, you can often see through the deception. Conflicting Morals or Values If someone you're dating doesn't know and respect your morals, they will treat you any way they feel. So you have to teach people how to treat you. That means you have to set the standard and stand firm in it. If you say no calls after a certain time and they call anyway, don't answer. If you aren't comfortable in any situation, speak up for yourself. No one will treat you how you want to be treated unless you make it known, and if they can't adapt, show them the door. How to Talk About Your Values in a Relationship Unfair Expectations That Turn Into Dealbreakers Dating can often be a pretty complex experience; let's not make it harder by creating problems. We're all human, and sometimes we ask for too much or expect too much from a potential partner. But, when you're dating, try to remember that the other person is human too. Here are some things that often end up being dealbreakers but are actually sort of unfair to the other person. Expecting Your Potential Mate to Go Above and Beyond for You Thinking someone you're dating should come in and save you and go above and beyond for you is unrealistic. You are responsible for yourself. Expecting someone to spoil you and spend all of their money on you and ending the relationship if they don't should not be a dealbreaker. Expecting Them to Read Your Mind No one on this earth is a mind reader, so being vocal about your feelings is primal. Many dealbreakers arise because one or both parties aren't expressing how they truly feel. Communication is imperative in every aspect of a relationship, so avoiding tough conversations only leads to the combustion of something that could've been. What to Know About Introvert Dating Making Assumptions About Who They Are One of the worst things you can do when you're dating is assuming someone is a certain way before you truly know them. Stereotyping someone is the quickest way to get them to shut down and lose interest. Placing stigmas on a person is not only unfair but dehumanizing. If you walk into a new situation with old baggage, you're bound to keep dragging it along forever and, in most cases, alone. Questioning Everything They Do or Say Are you one to question everything? Do you second-guess anything a potential partner says? If you're a non-believer from the start, there is no future with the person trying to pursue you. Why? Because you'll never believe anything they say. You'll either overanalyze their words or think they're lying to you. Being Too Idealistic Do you fantasize about a person before you know them? You know, believing that they are a certain way before you actually know who they really are? These are high grounds for deal-breaking because the image you've drawn up in your mind about them may not match who they really are. But, of course, this only leads to disappointment. When you're considering your dealbreakers, it's important to explore them as realistically as possible. So, it's important to choose them wisely. No one is perfect, and no one will check off everything on your list. In fact, you don't even check off everything on your own list! Remember to stand firm in the things you won't tolerate but know when to compromise. Speaking of compromising, how can you figure out if something is a dealbreaker or not? Keep reading! How to Know If Something Is a Dealbreaker Some things really aren't as complex as they may seem. You know when something really bothers you and when something is tolerable but just kind of annoying. Substance overrules all when it comes to dealbreakers. If you're dating someone of high quality, then shallow, superficial things can be overlooked or corrected. As you get older, your views and preferences change, and you care more about what a person's interior has to offer than their exterior. This might mean that your dealbreakers are a person with no depth, an unkind heart, a selfish and inconsiderate person, or someone that lacks intellect. If you want substance, something like their attire, car, or current living situation won't be a dealbreaker because it's all changeable. Also, having a nice car or clothes has nothing to do with whether someone is a good match for you. The best thing you can do when dating is to be observant. Don't look for dealbreakers. In fact, don't look for anything. Instead, hear exactly what is being said and pay close attention to actions. These key things will help you decide what you are willing to deal with and what you want no parts of. Walk into every situation with a fresh perspective, leaving all past experiences at the door. So, choose your dealbreakers wisely because you never know who's out there waiting for you! What to Do If You Disagree With Your Partner About Having Kids Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Riihimaki L. How Unrealistic Expectations Can Ruin Your Dating Life. EQ. By Candis McDow Candis has been a mental health advocate since 2014. She has written several articles about mental illness, and her memoir Half the Battle (available on Amazon and candisymcdow.com) encompasses her journey of living with bipolar disorder. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Review Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? Other Helpful Report an Error Submit Speak to a Therapist for Relationships Advertiser Disclosure × The offers that appear in this table are from partnerships from which Verywell Mind receives compensation.