Stress Management Relationship Stress How to Forgive Someone By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD Twitter Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing. Learn about our editorial process Updated on March 11, 2022 Medically reviewed Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS Facebook LinkedIn Twitter Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change. Learn about our Medical Review Board Print Cultura / Attia-Fotografie / Riser / Getty Images Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Express Yourself Look for the Positive Cultivate Empathy Protect Yourself and Move On Get Help If You Need It Although forgiveness brings many benefits, particularly to the "forgiver," forgiving is not always easy. In fact, many people who would like to let go of anger and forgive are stumped with the question of how to forgive someone. While there are many unique perspectives on how to forgive, the following strategies have been proven effective for a variety of people. Express Yourself In contemplating how to forgive someone, you might wonder if you need to discuss the problem before you can forgive. It may help to express your feelings to the other person, but it also might not. If the relationship is important to you and you would like to maintain it, you might find it useful to tell the other person—in non-threatening language—how their actions affected you. Exploring different conflict resolution tactics can help you plan this conversation. If the person is no longer in your life, if you want to end the relationship, or if you have reason to believe that things will get much worse if you address the situation directly, you may want to just write a letter and tear it up (or burn it) and move on. Writing it down, even though you don't plan to share it, can be a helpful part of forgiving someone. It still may help to put your feelings into words as part of letting go. People don’t need to know that you’ve forgiven them. Forgiveness is more for you than for the other person. Look for the Positive Journaling about a situation where you were hurt or wronged can help you process what happened and move on. However, the way you write about it and what you choose to focus on can make all the difference in how easy it becomes to forgive someone. Research suggests that it can be helpful to journal about the benefits you’ve gotten from a negative situation rather than focusing on the emotions you have surrounding the event. So try focusing on what you learned from the experience instead of ruminating over negative thoughts and feelings. It can also be helpful to write about something unrelated. These strategies allow you to forgive and move on more easily. So pick up a pen and start journaling about the silver lining the next time you find someone raining on your parade. Or consider keeping an ongoing gratitude journal so that you can practice forgiveness a little every day. Journaling as an Effective Stress Management Tool Cultivate Empathy You don’t have to agree with what the other person did to you. When working on how to forgive someone, however, it often helps to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Research has shown that empathy, particularly with men, is associated with forgiveness, and can make the process easier. Instead of seeing the other person as "the enemy," try to understand the factors that may have influenced their actions and what they were dealing with. Were they going through a particularly difficult time in their lives? Have you ever made similar mistakes? Try to remember the other person’s good qualities. Unless you have clear indicators otherwise, give them the benefit of the doubt and don't assume that their motives were to cause you pain. This approach may help you find it easier to forgive. Get Advice From The Verywell Mind Podcast Hosted by Editor-in-Chief and therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares why it's OK to give second chances, featuring Purple Heart recipient Craig Rossi and Fred. Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts Protect Yourself and Move On You've likely heard the saying: "First time, shame on you; second time, shame on me." Sometimes it’s difficult to forgive if you feel that forgiveness leaves you open to future repeats of the same negative treatment. Blanket forgiveness of someone who is continuing to hurt you isn’t necessarily a good idea for your emotional health. It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action. It's perfectly OK (and sometimes vital) to include self-protective plans for the future as part of your forgiveness process. For example, if you have a co-worker who continually steals your ideas, belittles you in front of the group, or gossips about you, their ongoing negative behavior can be difficult to forgive. However, you can make a plan to address the behavior with human resources, move to another department, or switch jobs to get out of the negative situation. Letting go of your anger and trying to forgive will bring the benefits of forgiveness without opening you up to further abuse. You don’t need to hold a grudge in order to protect yourself. Recap It is important to protect yourself when you forgive someone. This allows you to move on while still holding them accountable for their actions. It also protects you from further harm. When Is It OK Not to Forgive Someone? Get Help If You Need It Sometimes it can be difficult to forget about the past and forgive. This is particularly true if the offending acts were ongoing or traumatic. If you’re still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone who has wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success working with a therapist. A therapist can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process. A 2018 review found that an approach known as forgiveness therapy could be helpful for improving different aspects of psychological functioning and well-being. Forgiveness interventions helped relieve depression, reduce anger, lower stress, and improve positive emotions. A Word From Verywell When you’ve been hurt, figuring out how to forgive someone can be difficult. These strategies should be helpful in your journey of letting go and releasing the stress of the past. Forgiveness has a number of benefits, so it is important to remember that forgiving someone is something that you are truly doing for yourself. By letting go of past hurts, you can move forward with a new, more hopeful perspective. Taking the Steps to Forgive Yourself 3 Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Mccullough ME, Root LM, Cohen AD. Writing about the benefits of an interpersonal transgression facilitates forgiveness. J Consult Clin Psychol. 2006;74(5):887-97. doi:10.1037/0022-006X.74.5.887 Toussaint L, Webb JR. Gender differences in the relationship between empathy and forgiveness. J Soc Psychol. 2005;145(6):673-85. doi:10.3200/SOCP.145.6.673-686 Akhtar S, Barlow J. Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma Violence Abuse. 2018;19(1):107-122. doi:10.1177/1524838016637079 By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Review Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? 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