How to Support a Child Who Is Showing Signs of Gender Expansiveness

When children begin to express themselves, sometimes the ways that they do that are completely aligned with how their parents assumed they'd be. Other times, it's a bit different. And in other circumstances, a child might start out expressing themself exactly as a parent thought they would, and then later their expression might change.

Children express themselves in countless ways, with gender expression being one of many. When a child shows signs of gender expansiveness, parents may find themselves confused about how to support their child's journey. Because acceptance by parents plays a key role in the self-esteem of gender-expansive children, knowing what steps to take to show your support can lead to a happier, healthier child.

Ahead, we'll look at what gender expansiveness is, what the signs of it are, and how to best show support for your child if they are expressing signs of gender expansiveness.

What Is Gender Expansiveness?

Gender expansiveness is any action or expression that falls outside of gender stereotypes, and it may begin as soon as children understand gender—which occurs quite early, during infancy.

We hold many ideas about what is masculine and what is feminine for children, such as the notion that boys should play with trucks and girls should play with dolls.

It's important to understand that it's normal and healthy for children to experiment in many different ways, with gender being just one of those ways. A child showing signs of gender expansiveness may be nonbinary, gender nonconforming, or trans. They may also just be creative, or may simply enjoy the toys, clothes, or other expressions typically thought to be for a different sex than they were assigned.

Signs of Gender Expansiveness in Children

There are lots of different ways a child may show signs of gender expansiveness. These are some of the most common ways:

• A preference to play with toys meant for the opposite sex than the one they were assigned
• Desire to wear clothing not meant for their assigned sex/meant for the opposite sex
• Becoming upset when forced to wear clothes that match their assigned sex
• Reference to themself by different pronouns than they were assigned
• Telling their parents or friends that they are a different gender than the one they were assigned
• Wanting to use a different name than the one they were given
• Exhibition of signs of gender dysphoria

How to Support Gender Expansiveness in Your Child

Now that you understand how a child might express signs of gender expansiveness, let's look at what steps you should take to show them your support if any of the above occur.

Reassure Your Child That You Love Them No Matter What Their Gender

There is little, if anything, more important to the proper development of a child than the love, care, and acceptance of their parents. Supporting your child's gender identity and expression plays a pivotal role in their successful outcome as a person.

Reassuring your child that they have your love and support is particularly important if they're showing signs of distress around their gender. It can be confusing for children to feel unaligned with the sex that they have been assigned, and they may experience gender dysphoria as a result.

The sooner you step in and assure your child that they are allowed to be exactly who they are, the sooner their distress can shift into exploration and comfort with themself.

Don't Make Assumptions

Even if your child is exhibiting behavior that feels very strong or serious to you, such as insisting you use different pronouns for them or that they wear clothing typically assigned to a different gender, you should refrain from making assumptions about what any of it means. That's because your child may be in a process of exploration, and where they are currently may not be where they eventually land.

For example, some children who prefer clothing of a different gender may identify as trans or nonbinary. Others have a fashion sense that isn't aligned with their assigned gender. Still, others are testing out new waters, seeing how life feels in different clothes.

Ask Questions With Sensitivity

There is nothing wrong with wanting to know more about your child's gender expression. In fact, that's a great thing! The more you know, the better you can support them.

Asking your child questions about their gender expansiveness is a personal topic, so treat it exactly the way you'd want to be asked about something personal. Chances are, you'd welcome a close friend or loved one asking how you felt about something. You likely wouldn't welcome them asking questions in an invasive or judgmental manner.

Educate Yourself About Gender

It takes only a click or two of your mouse to learn more information about most things in the world, and gender expansiveness is no exception! HRC.org has gathered a page full of resources for parents of gender-expansive children. On that page, you can read their report on how to care for gender-expansive youth, learn about the myriad organizations that focus on gender-expansive children, find books on the subject, and much more.

The more you know about gender in children, the better you'll be able to support your own. And the easier it will be for you to ask questions in a sensitive manner, which is a bonus.

Learn About Gender Together

Teaming up with your child to learn about gender together can bring you closer, and shows your child how much you support them. Luckily, there are many books on the subject now, and they are appropriate and understandable for various age groups.

Take Your Child's Lead

Let your child lead the way on this journey. It's theirs, and you don't want to take over and push them in a direction that feels anything less than wholly authentic. Allowing your child to take the lead will show your support and love for them.

If your child wants to be referred to by different pronouns, use the pronouns they inform you are theirs. This is a sign of respect, and it gives a child autonomy. Similarly, if a child is uncomfortable in clothing typical of their gender, and wants to wear clothing for different gender, allow them to do that. This can make them feel that they have control over their body, which everyone deserves to experience.

Advocate As Needed

No matter how well you support your child, you, unfortunately, can't count on everyone else in their life doing the same. While it isn't possible to fully spare your child from ever being bullied or harassed, you can be proactive about this subject, provided they're comfortable with that.

Speaking to teachers at school and the parents of your child's classmates and friends about their gender expansiveness will help normalize the subject. It also can have a positive impact on how others perceive your child's journey through gender.

A Word From Verywell

It's normal in situations where a child is showing signs of gender expansiveness to involve a therapist. That helps ensure both you and your child receive the care they need to move through this time of life.

Finding a therapist who is well-versed in gender-affirming care is a great step to take for the mental health of both you and your child.