Relationships Violence and Abuse How to Support a Victim of Sexual Assault By Sherri Gordon Sherri Gordon Sherri Gordon is a published author and a bullying prevention expert. Learn about our editorial process Updated on November 22, 2022 Fact checked Verywell Mind content is rigorously reviewed by a team of qualified and experienced fact checkers. Fact checkers review articles for factual accuracy, relevance, and timeliness. We rely on the most current and reputable sources, which are cited in the text and listed at the bottom of each article. Content is fact checked after it has been edited and before publication. Learn more. by Sean Blackburn Fact checked by Sean Blackburn LinkedIn Sean is a fact-checker and researcher with experience in sociology and field research. Learn about our editorial process Print iStockphoto When someone you know has been sexually assaulted, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. Oftentimes, the best thing you can do is to just make yourself available. It's also important to actively listen to what they have to say if they want to talk. Strive to be supportive and nonjudgmental and assure them that you believe them. It's also important to remind your loved one that what happened was not their fault and that they didn't do anything to deserve what happened to them. Oftentimes, survivors of sexual assault will blame themselves for what happened. You also should let them know that you're sorry this happened to them. By doing so, you are demonstrating that you empathize with their situation and are able to acknowledge how the assault has impacted their lives. Finally, remind them that they are not alone and that if they need your support, you will be there for them. Here are some additional ways you can support a victim of sexual assault. Remain Calm It's normal to feel outraged or even shocked by what your friend or family member has experienced, but expressing these emotions may cause your loved one to experience more pain or even confusion. Listen to what your loved one has to say without having any large, emotional outbursts. Also, refrain from making threats against the perpetrator. While it may feel like you are being supportive, these types of comments can just add more stress to the situation. Ask Permission Most people want to reach out and hug the person who has been assaulted. But it's important to remember that this person may not want to be touched. As a result, be sure you ask permission before hugging your friend or family member. You also should refrain from putting your hand on their arm or holding their hands until you ask permission. Simply asking "Can I give you a hug?" goes a long way in re-establishing your loved one's sense of safety and control. Then, if your friend declines, respect that decision. Never try to force your loved one to hug you. This violates their sense of autonomy and takes away their control. Empower Your Loved One Remember, when your friend or family member was assaulted, they were stripped of their control in the situation. For this reason, you want to empower them to make decisions about what steps to take next. Avoid giving too much advice or trying to fix the situation. Instead, if they want to get a medical exam or report the incident to the appropriate authorities. offer to go with them. Do not pressure them into taking steps they are not ready for. As much as you want justice, your loved one needs to decide what steps to take and when. Maintain Confidentiality Remember, this sexual assault is not your story to tell. So, do not share the details of your loved one's experience without permission. Let the victim decide who to tell about the assault. Most victims of sexual assault struggle with a great deal of shame and embarrassment. Sharing the details of the victim's experience with others will just deepen those wounds. Allow your loved one the opportunity to decide who knows what happened. Ask How You Can Help It's human nature to want to take charge of the situation when someone you love is hurting. But it can be very disempowering to the victim. Instead, ask what your friend or family member would like for you to do. Sometimes the answer will be as simple as just being there. For instance, loved ones sometimes are afraid to be alone. So, they may want you to stay with them for a few nights. Or, they might want someone to go with them to the emergency room because the idea of getting a physical exam is frightening. Rather than assuming you know what your friend or family member needs, ask them instead. And, if it is something you can help with, by all means, do so. Establish Boundaries While it is important to be supportive and a good listener, you cannot do these things at the expense of your own health or responsibilities. For instance, do not skip classes or call off work every time your loved one calls. Instead, set a time to talk that works for both of you. Remember, you can be a support person and a friend, but you are not your loved one's counselor. For this reason, you need to be sure you are still taking care of yourself and meeting your obligations for work, school, and family. Do not allow your loved one's crisis to consume your own life, as it's not a healthy option for either of you. It's best to find a balance between being someone your loved one can count on and being someone who practices good self-care. Get Educated The best way to support a victim of sexual assault is to educate yourself on the issue. Research your community's resources and provide your loved one with the information. Additionally, learn what you can about how victims of sexual assault may be feeling. This information will help you better understand your loved one's experience as well as what their recovery may be like. It also will help dispel any misconceptions you might have about sexual assault. Encourage Counseling Moving from victim to survivor takes a lot of hard work and is often best addressed through counseling. Encourage your loved one to consider counseling, but do not insist on it. Counseling won't be effective unless your friend or family member is open to it and wants to work on healing. Additionally, you don't want to take away your loved one's control. Instead, gently suggest counseling and offer several options for support groups. You also can suggest individual therapy and then step away so that your loved one can make a decision about how to heal from being assaulted. Be Aware of Red Flags People who have been sexually assaulted experience a range of emotions. In fact, no two people will think or feel the same way as the next person. Consequently, it is important that you know how to recognize any red flags in your loved one. These indicators may be a sign that your friend or family member is in crisis. For instance, if they seem to cry all the time, talk about wanting to die, or have lost interest in their favorite activities, they may be suicidal or depressed. Other things you need to watch for include changes in eating and sleeping habits, nightmares, and flashbacks. If your loved one is experiencing any of these things, seek to get help right away. Encourage them to talk with a counselor or to seek medical attention. In an emergency, do not be afraid to call 911. Continue to Extend Invitations Don't be surprised if your loved one refuses your invitations to see a movie, have coffee, or go to dinner. It is not uncommon for victims of sexual assault to isolate themselves. But don't give up on them. Continue to invite them to do things with you. Even if they decline, most people still appreciate the invite. It helps them feel like they are still valued and loved—especially at a time when they feel so alone. Be patient with your loved one. Eventually, they will accept your invitations. Just don't give up and stop asking. They need to know you are there even if they refuse the offer. Honor Their Recovery Healing from sexual assault is a long process that never truly ends. What's more, the path to recovery looks different for everyone. But for the most part, survivors will learn to recognize what happened to them while resolving their feelings and emotions. They also will need to address any negative behaviors or habits they developed in order to cope with their situation. Finally, many survivors of sexual assault also focus on reclaiming their personal power and addressing any intimacy issues. As your loved one works through this process, it's important that you are patient and supportive. A Word From Verywell Supporting a friend or family member that has been sexually assaulted is not a one-time situation. The healing process is ongoing and you want to be as supportive as you can. Touch base periodically with your friend or family member. Even if the assault happened a while ago, that does not mean that the pain is gone. Remind them that you still care about their well-being and ask if they need anything. Be willing to listen if they need to vent and point them toward appropriate resources when needed. Remember, you can support your loved ones through the healing process, but you cannot heal them. Why the First Three Months Are Critical for Sexual Assault Survivors With PTSD Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN). Scope of the Problem: Statistics. By Sherri Gordon Sherri Gordon is a published author and a bullying prevention expert. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Review Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? Other Helpful Report an Error Submit Speak to a Therapist for Relationships Advertiser Disclosure × The offers that appear in this table are from partnerships from which Verywell Mind receives compensation.