Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems How to Recognize and React to Manipulation in Your Marriage By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial process Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on February 01, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments. Learn about our Review Board Carly Snyder, MD Updated on February 05, 2020 Print izusek / Getty Images People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want. A manipulators knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively put a stop to it. That said, it is not always easy. Stopping manipulation in a marriage can be difficult because it might have started out subtle. Over time, manipulation can become the everyday dynamic of your relationship with your partner. What Is Manipulation? Manipulation can be subtle or quite obvious, but either one is damaging to your marriage. Here's a look at how manipulation tactics compare to a healthy, direct approach. Direct and Honest Approach. "I would like to go to the movies tonight. If you don't have any plans for this evening, would you go with me?" By contrast, if a partner is being manipulative, it might be obvious or subtle. Obvious Manipulation. "If you loved me you would go to the movies with me tonight."Subtle Manipulation. "Do you have any plans for this evening?" (Left unsaid: If you do, you must not love me.) Common Manipulation Strategies If you recognize these interactions in your relationship, it can be a sign that your partner is manipulating you. Being coerciveBeing vague about wants or needsBlamingCriticizing and disapprovingCrying Doling out threats and ultimatumsGiving the "silent treatment"Having a temper tantrumLying or twisting the truthMaking you feel shame, embarrassment, or guiltPoutingShowing exaggerated disappointmentTwisting your words (or their meaning)WhiningWithdrawal or avoidanceWithholding money or something of valueWithholding or hiding informationWithholding sex or affection Why People Manipulate Others In general, people manipulate others to get what they want. They may feel the need to punish, control, or dominate their spouse. They may be seeking pity or attention, or have other selfish motives. They might also be trying to change or wear down a spouse in an effort to have their own needs met. People who manipulate in adult relationships sometimes come from a dysfunctional family of origin (the family one grows up in). They might have had to manipulate in order to get basic needs met or avoid harsh punishment, or perhaps they were manipulated by their parents and learned this negative way to interact with others. Consequences of Manipulation Manipulation is damaging to relationships, especially those that are intimate. If you are being manipulated by a partner, you might feel: A constant need to defend yourselfA lack of safety in the marriageA lack of trust in your partnerA serious sense of self-doubtFrequent apologizing, even when you believe you did not do anything wrongNegative feelings such as dissatisfaction, hurt, resentment, anger, and frustrationOverall discontentment with the relationship What to Do About Manipulation in Your Marriage Most people know how to be manipulative, but we choose mature and healthy ways to interact with others. Most strive to be respectful of our partner through direct and honest communication, particularly in a marriage or other loving relationship, Manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse are never acceptable from a romantic partner—or anyone else in your life. Realize and accept that manipulation is also emotional blackmail. Here are some key points to recognize this unfair behavior and eliminate it in your marriage. Do not act as if the manipulation is no big deal.If the manipulation in your marriage continues, seek marriage counseling to help you both change the behavior.If you discover yourself manipulating, stop in mid-sentence. Be more direct in your questions or statements.Recognize when you or your spouse manipulates.Tell your spouse when you experience manipulation. Be specific in describing the manipulation and your feelings. A Word From Verywell Manipulation might seem like an easy or "natural" way to deal with a difficult issue or to get things to go the way you want them to, but it is hurtful and damaging to your relationships. You and your loved ones deserve honest and loving communication. Article updated by Marni Feuerman Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Sign Up You're in! Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. There was an error. Please try again. What are your concerns? Other Inaccurate Hard to Understand Submit Article Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Feuerman M. Signs You're Being Emotionally Manipulated In Your Relationship. Your Tango. 2015. Stritof S. Avoid Playing the Blame Game in Relationships. ThoughtCo. 2019.