How Narcissists Use DARVO to Avoid Accountability

Research shows that between 0.5% to 5% of the general US population have narcissistic personality disorder in the U.S., with a greater prevalence in men than women. However, multitudes are affected by a controlling tactic that many narcissists use called DARVO.

“DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims,” explains Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder of Bay Area CBT Center and CBTonline.

We’ll discuss what DARVO looks like, its impact on victims, and how to protect yourself if it’s being used against you.

What Does DARVO Look Like?

Knowing the definition of DARVO is one thing; understanding what signs to look for in your relationship is another. Experts say there are specific characteristics to look for to determine if someone is manipulating you in this way.

Denial

Someone adamantly denies being wrong and won’t acknowledge wrong behaviors. A person using this tactic will not only say they are not abusive but will minimize your feelings. If they tell you, "It's not that big of a deal," or "You're making too much of this," that's another way to deny the wrong behavior and its impact on you.

Attack

The accused person becomes aggressive, arguing that they are not in the wrong. They also seek to cast doubt on you as the person who is questioning their behavior.

Instead of just refusing to accept responsibility for abusive behavior, this person is actively working to make it look like you are the one who is in the wrong. "Abusers attack the credibility, character, or motives of the victim. They may use insults, threats, gaslighting, or manipulation to discredit the victim's account of the abuse," notes Dr. Lev.

Reverse Victim and Offender

The abuser tries to switch roles, arguing that they are the real victim and making the victim look like the offender. The abuser may claim to be unfairly accused, then say that you are making accusations to cover up your own behavior. This attempt to shift blame helps the abuser be seen in a more positive light while inflicting mental and emotional pain on the person already experiencing abuse.

In addition, an abuser will gaslight the victim, making that person wonder if they are crazy or think that what they are experiencing is not actually abuse. An abuser will also likely deflect, trying to switch gears and remove attention from the problematic behavior.

“By denying their actions, attacking the person confronting them, and flipping the roles of victim and offender, the narcissist effectively redirects attention away from their own actions, often causing doubt in the victim's claims,” notes Bayu Prihandito, founder of Life Architekture and certified psychology expert.

“The psychology behind DARVO is rooted in a strong need for self-preservation and control. They will often employ this strategy to protect their ego and maintain their desired self-image at all costs,” he adds.

Impact of DARVO

Abusers who use DARVO methods on their victims often achieve the intended results. Studies show that when people saw one person using DARVO tactics on another, the victim was viewed as “less believable,” while the perpetrator was seen as “less abusive and less responsible.” As you can imagine, dealing with that level of manipulation day in and day out takes a massive toll on its victims—physically, mentally, and emotionally.

“DARVO negatively impacts the victim's mental health because they internalize the false narrative that they are the perpetrator and that the problems in the relationship or abuse are their fault. They convince themselves that they are the cause of their own mistreatment, leading to feelings of self-blame and self-doubt,” Dr. Lev says.

“Being subjected to repeated manipulation through DARVO can lead to … anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, a sense of powerlessness, and narcissistic abuse syndrome as well as pseudo identity/personality, where the victim develops a pseudo personality that echoes and repeats the narcissist's false self- their grandiose narrative of themselves,” she states.

DARVO survivors also experience post-traumatic stress disorder. The abusive behavior can leave victims feeling isolated and unable to cope, especially when reversing the victim and offender leads to a continual cycle of abuse.

How to Protect Yourself Against DARVO

Once you learn more about DARVO and think you may be the victim of this manipulative tactic, you can take steps to help yourself.

• Educate yourself. Know what signs to look for. When you understand the pattern that DARVO abusers use, you can see it coming. You’ll be able to recognize their tactics and be able to better control and manage your emotions when it happens. “Once recognized, this pattern becomes more predictable and quickly loses some of its power and influence,” Prihandito notes.
• Stand up for yourself. Clearly name what it happening, what you will allow, and what you will not allow.
• Learn what healthy communication looks like in a relationship. Along with saying what you won’t put up with, make sure the abuser knows what you expect.
• Find a support group. Friends and family members can give you the encouragement that you need. “Having a strong support network can help you validate your experiences and counteract the effects of DARVO,” adds Dr. Lev.
• Document your experience. “Keep a record of the abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. This can also include recordings or videos if your state allows,” Dr. Lev states.
• Get professional help. Mental health professionals who are familiar with and understand narcissistic abuse can be pivotal in your healing journey. “There are a number of therapeutic resources for individuals dealing with DARVO, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and trauma-focused therapy. I would recommend victims to work directly with a licensed professional who can provide customized strategies to cope and heal from this trauma,” says Prihandito. 

Ultimately, what’s most important is that if you are a victim of DARVO, you realize it is not your fault. Confront the reality of what happened and your experience. Seek the help you need to end the cycle of manipulative behavior and heal physically, mentally, and emotionally.

“Victims find it incredibly difficult to come to terms with the fact that the abuse was intentional the entire time. They must accept this in order to break free,” Dr. Lev concludes.