40 Questions to Help Build Intimacy in a Relationship

Intimacy in Marriage
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Intimacy in the marriage or partner relationship can seem to suffer when our families are at their busiest, whether it's just the two of you or you're chauffeuring kids around all over town. It's hard to find time to strengthen love when we're running to work, scouts, business meetings, soccer, piano lessons, and family and community events.

By the end of the day, we're usually exhausted. By the end of the week, that date night we might have planned tends to get swapped for vegging out in front of the TV and binge-watching the latest show on Netflix.

While this is totally fine—in fact, it's a pretty normal stage of life—remember when you were dating? The way you hung on each other's every word? How you wanted to know everything you could about each other? We all know you can't exactly recreate that feeling—after all, you've been living with this person for however many years and so the mystery is pretty much gone (thank you, bathroom habits and childbirth).

It's definitely easy to get so caught up in the mundane rhythms of life that you sort of lose track of each other and who you're each becoming. That other person you knew so well can start to look like a stranger when you don't take the time to live in each other's worlds and connect.


Questions and Tips For Building Intimacy In Your Relationship

Questions to Build Intimacy

Studies have shown that communication and self-disclosure can help to build intimacy in marital relationships. Simply taking the time to chat with your spouse or loved one can make your bond stronger.

In contrast, lack of communication can signal marital problems. Researchers have long known that when couples don't communicate effectively, troubles may arise.

If you're feeling distant from your partner or spouse, and even if you're not, try taking some time to talk about your answers to the following questions the next time you find yourselves relaxing on the couch or finally stumbling into bed, even if you just go through one or two here and there. You may find that the frank discussions that can result will help you and your partner grow closer and get to know each other even better.

  • If you could choose anyone in the world, living or dead, to have in our home as a dinner guest, who would you choose and why?
  • If you could choose the activities to do that would make a perfect day, what would you choose?
  • If you had a crystal ball that could tell you anything at all about your life that you don’t already know, what would you ask it to tell you?
  • What's your favorite childhood memory?
  • What are the ten most important things on your personal bucket list?
  • When did you last cry about something and what did you cry about?
  • If you could wake up tomorrow morning with one new skill or ability, what would you choose?
  • What do you like best about our relationship?
  • What's something that you'd like to try, but that you're too scared to try?
  • If all of your friends were asked to describe you, which friend’s description would be the most accurate and why?
  • What was your favorite book (or movie) as a child and why did you like it so much?
  • What's the one thing about yourself that you would most like to change?
  • What would be your dream vacation?
  • What are three qualities you admire about yourself?
  • What are three qualities you admire about me?
  • What's one of your best memories from when we were dating?
  • What was your favorite place to go as a child and why did you love it there?
  • If you could be any character in a book (or movie), who would you choose to be?
  • If all of a sudden you knew that you had 6 weeks left to live, what would you want to do in the time you had left?
  • What three things in your life could you not imagine doing without?
  • Let's say that our house is on fire, but you know that our family members and pets are safe. What things would you want to rescue from the fire and why?
  • If someone gave you enough money to start a business—no strings attached—what kind of business would you want to start?
  • What are the five things that you are most thankful for right now?
  • If you could possess one artistic talent (painting, sculpture, composing music, writing, etc.), which talent would you choose and why?
  • If you could be an Olympic or professional athlete, what sport would you choose and why?
  • Do you see yourself in our kid(s)? If so, how?
  • When you were a kid, did you think about having kids yourself one day? If so, how many and what did you imagine doing with them?
  • What's one of the most adventurous things you have ever done?
  • If you could have been an eyewitness to any event in history, which one would you choose?
  • What do you dream about the most often?
  • Which of your parents do you think you're most like and why?
  • What was the first thing about me that attracted you?
  • What do you like most about your appearance?
  • Over the last five years, how do you think you have changed?
  • If you could take a year-long paid sabbatical, what would you do?
  • If you had to guess right now, what do you think our kid(s) would choose as a career someday and why?
  • When you think about the future, what do you imagine?
  • When you listen to music, do you focus on the words or the music?
  • Do you learn new skills or information best by hearing, seeing, or doing?
  • If you could plan the perfect date with me, what would that include?
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2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S. A Review of Marital Intimacy-Enhancing Interventions among Married Individuals. Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):53109. Published 2016 Aug 1. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

  2. Overall NC, McNulty JK. What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships?. Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:1–5. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002