Same Sex Infidelity

Why Spouses May Be the Last to Know

Male-female couple, with female holding hands behind her back with another female.
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Straight spouses of gay or bisexual partners are sometimes the last to know about their mate's sexual orientation. These partners can be successful at hiding (or denying) their sexual orientation for many years. Sometimes infidelity is part of this pattern of secrecy or denial.

Is Your Spouse Is Gay or Bisexual?

Realistically, unless your mate admits their sexual orientation to you directly, you may not know for sure. So-called signs of gayness, such as the way a person dresses, talks, walks, or looks, are not at all an indication of sexual orientation.

Neither are behaviors such as a preference for anal sex (or other sexual practices), erectile dysfunction, watching porn, homophobic behavior, being evasive or secretive, or hanging out with friends of the same sex. All of these can occur in people who are straight.

Concerns About Your Spouse's Sexual Orientation

No matter what has led you to wonder whether the partner you thought was straight might actually be gay (infidelity is just one concern), take a careful approach.

Avoid Jumping to Conclusions

Don't assume your spouse is gay if they don't want to have sex with you. There could be many other reasons for a lack of sexual desire.

Maintain Honest Communication

Talk with your partner and express your concerns and fears. If your mate won't talk with you about infidelity, a low libido, or other issues in your marriage, seek couples' counseling.

Deciding to Leave a Relationship

Regardless of your spouse's sexual orientation, if any of these statements describe your marriage, you have some difficult choices to make. You may have lost the ability to trust your spouse. And your spouse may not be invested in continuing with the partnership.

Some red flags may include:

  • Criticism: You both seem to be picking at one another, causing frequent arguments. You can't see anything but your spouse's shortcomings and ways you want them to change.
  • Disconnection: You feel disconnected from one another.
  • Fear: You walk on eggshells around your spouse to avoid conflict.
  • Keeping score: You are both keeping score about who did what when.
  • Lack of sex: Your sex life with one another has ceased to exist.
  • Lost romance: You have stopped having dates or time alone together.
  • Mistrust: The trust in your marriage has deteriorated to the point where you are considering spying on your spouse (or you already have).
  • Unwillingness to change: Your spouse refuses to see a counselor with you.

If you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, it may be time to follow a new path. It is probably one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make. A counselor can help you navigate your way through this difficult process.

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