Same Sex Infidelity

Why Spouses of Gay Men and Lesbians May Be the Last to Know

How can you know?
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Spouses of gay men or lesbians are often the last to know about the dual deception of their mates. Lesbians, gay men, or bisexual individuals who married straight spouses can be successful at hiding their sexual orientation for many years. Hiding an affair is often not that difficult for them.

How Can You Know if Your Spouse Is a Gay Man or Lesbian or Bisexual?

Realistically, unless your mate admits his/her sexual orientation, you may not know for sure.

The so-called signs of gays, such as the way the individual dresses, talks, walks, looks, preference for anal sex, erectile dysfunction, watching porn, homophobic behavior, being evasive or secretive, or hanging out with friends of the same sex are often behavior traits of heterosexual individuals.

Don't Jump to Conclusions

  • Don't assume your lover is gay or a lesbian if he/she doesn't want to have sex with you. There could be many other reasons for a lack of sexual desire.

Honest Communication Is the Best Approach

  • Talk with your partner and express your concerns and fears. If your mate won't talk with you about his/her low sex libido or other issues in your marriage, you need to seek marriage counseling.

When It Is Time to Move on With Your Own Life

It doesn't matter what your spouse's sexual orientation is, if many of these statements describe your marriage, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be married to someone you have so little trust in and who doesn't appear to care if your marriage lasts.

  • Your spouse won't see a counselor with you.
  • You both seem to be pick-pick-picking at one another.
  • The negativity in your marriage has increased.
  • You are both keeping score about who did what when.
  • You can't see anything but your spouse's shortcomings and ways you want him/her to change.
  • Your sex life with one another has ceased to exist.
  • You walk on eggshells around your spouse to avoid conflict.
  • The two of you have stopped having dates or time alone together.
  • You feel trapped, crippled, or stifled.
  • You feel disconnected from one another.
  • The trust in your marriage has deteriorated to the point where you are considering spying on your spouse.

Even if you are attached to the comfort and security, ask yourself—Do you really want to be stuck in a dead-end marriage?

If you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and although it is probably one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make, you need to open your eyes to what is happening and perhaps follow a new path. A counselor can help you navigate your way through this decision making process.

Most people just know in their hearts when it is time to move on.

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