How to Tell Someone You Were Sexually Assaulted

Deciding whether to tell a friend, family member, romantic partner, or even an employer about a sexual assault is completely up to you. There isn’t a right or wrong decision about disclosure, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer either. In fact, trauma can play a significant role in disclosure after the event, and many cases go undisclosed for years.

It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you. This article contains some things that may help you make the decision about what you might disclose and to who you want to disclose it.

Who Should You Tell If You Were Sexually Assaulted?

Before disclosing a sexual assault to someone, it is important to consider if you can trust the person. Here are some ways you can tell:

• They’re easy to talk to
• You feel safe with them
• They treat you respectfully
• They do what they say they are going to do
• They have helped you in the past
• They show they care for you

Also, think about whether this individual is likely to respond in a supportive way. Are they likely to believe you? Can they be someone who provides you with emotional support? 

Do they know the perpetrator? That may impact how they respond to your disclosure.

What Should You Say?

It’s up to you how much detail you give about your story. And just because someone may ask questions doesn’t mean you’re obligated to answer them.

Or you might choose to give them the details about what happened. It’s up to you to decide how much you’re comfortable sharing right now.

How to Tell Someone You Were Sexually Assaulted

You don’t need to share your story in person. You might prefer to do it over the phone, by letter, or by email. You can do it however you feel most comfortable.

If you are concerned the person is going to ask a lot of questions, a letter may be best. The phone may still be a good option if you would like to speak but you don’t want to see the reaction on the other person’s face.

If you choose to share in person, consider where and when you’ll talk about it. You’ll most likely want the person’s full attention, and you’ll want a private space where you are less likely to be interrupted.

You can decide if you’re most comfortable sharing in your home, a coffee shop, while you’re walking in the park, or even on a car ride.

Establish Ground Rules

Before disclosing that you were sexually assaulted, you may want to establish some ground rules about the discussion. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) suggests saying something like, “I’d like to tell you about something that’s hard for me to talk about and it would mean a lot to me if you would just listen and not ask any questions.”

You might set rules about confidentiality as well, such as asking the person not to tell anyone else. Or you might ask the other person not to pressure you to go to law enforcement if you haven’t decided whether you are going to report it.

Talking to a Romantic Partner

You don’t have to tell any romantic partners that you were sexually assaulted. But you may want them to know why you sometimes experience flashbacks or nightmares. You might also decide to tell them if you want them to better understand why you aren’t comfortable with certain things. 

How to Deal With Unsupportive Responses

It would be wonderful if everyone supports you when you disclose that you were sexually assaulted. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to respond in a helpful way.

They may ask questions or provide comments that aren’t helpful such as:

• What were you wearing?
• What did you do to try to stop it from happening?
• Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
• I don’t think that really happened.

If the person you disclose it to responds in such a judgmental or unhelpful manner, remember that it’s not your fault. And you are not alone.

Also, just because someone isn’t supportive doesn’t mean that everyone else in your life will respond the same way.

How to Get Help Disclosing Your Story

Whether you aren’t sure how to disclose your story to your family, or you want support after someone didn’t believe you, professional help is available. Here are some options:

• Speak to a therapist. Contact a local therapist to schedule an appointment, or get help through online therapy.
• Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline. Call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) and talk to someone who is trained to help individuals deal with sexual assault
• Chat online with RAINN. Go to online.rainn.org, and chat with a trained individual who can help.

A Word From Verywell

Deciding who to tell your story to isn’t an easy decision. And even if you are careful about who you disclose it to, you’re likely to find that not everyone is able to be supportive.

Seeking professional help can assist you in managing your emotions and making the best decisions you can for yourself after a sexual assault.

Keep in mind also that there isn’t a timeline of when you should tell your story. It’s up to you to decide when you’re ready, who to tell, and how much you want to share.