Unlinking Your Self-Worth From Your Work

"So, what do you do for work?" The mere question is a bit of a loaded one. Many of us lead with the age-old conversation starter when we meet someone new as a way to form some connection, see where their interests lie, or explore if there's anything there that sparks further dialogue or establishes common ground.

While seemingly harmless, it can also cause people to consciously or subconsciously label the person on the receiving end based on their line of work. We may bucket them into a category that determines how we may perceive them, often in relation to how we see ourselves. And it can lead to holding preconceived notions about the other that may not necessarily be true.

A lot comes with the idea of a job title—the promise of a paycheck, a sense of fulfillment, power, and responsibility. And considering we spend almost a third of our lives working, it's easy to see how it plays a significant role in shaping our identity. Though, if not careful, it's easy to see how the line that separates our work identities and true identities can become blurred.

To learn more about why we tend to link our self-worth to our work and the dangers of doing so, we sat down with Verywell Mind Medical Review Board member and clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD. A consistent theme in Romanoff's counseling is that the collection of personality traits that drive success and achievement are commonly the same traits that lead to mental health challenges related to self-worth and achievement-based identity, even in high-achieving individuals.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Verywell Mind: For creatives and entrepreneurs especially, we are in a unique position where so much of what we do lies in our ability to create something that produces results. How can that added pressure manifest itself and affect our mental health?

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD: The majority of people tend to only see the success and outward optimism projected by entrepreneurs. But for most, there is tremendous struggle underneath the surface including symptoms of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness that they might crumble under all of that pressure to produce results.

The very traits that propel high-achievers to take big entrepreneurial risks and lean into creative endeavors predispose them to strong positive and negative emotional states, making them more vulnerable to depression, feelings of helplessness, amotivation, and suicidal ideation. These factors are much less talked about, but there are significant low points that coincide with the very traits that prime these folks for success which manifest through a subclinical presentation of hypomania and depression. 

VW Mind: There is also a certain pride that comes with being a writer, artist, designer, even an editor. What is it about certain jobs that get us wrapped up in these 'work' identities while other jobs are simply vehicles that "pay the bills"?

Romanoff: Some self-select into careers where personal and professional identities become fused as a way to tangibly prove self-worth. The factors propelling them to succeed in these jobs may be rooted in insecurity or inadequacy, as they compensate for these difficult feelings through external markers of success. 

VW Mind: What are some societal messages that reinforce the idea that our self-worth is only as good as what we do for a living?

Romanoff: The culture in many of these fields tends to incentivize people towards working lengthier days with bonuses, status, and company advancement. In turn, when more time is spent in one activity, it inevitably becomes fundamental to one's identity. This becomes especially prominent when time spent on other values becomes displaced by work.

Our society places importance on career achievement or high-status jobs which often trickles down into smaller social hierarchies and family systems. For many, career achievement is linked to gaining acceptance from parents, peers, or people who doubted them in early life.

Career success is often encouraged to be the ultimate life goal. This becomes so centralized that people may fear failure or rejection from their family or community if they don’t achieve on an extreme level. The paradox is that while this fear motivates their intense drive, it also isolates them from the very people they care most about.

High-achievers tend to be rewarded financially. They not only are able to afford materialistic possessions but are elevated into a social class that influences the experiences and people to which they have access. This becomes a powerful driver to both maintain that work-centric identity that elevated them to this socioeconomic class and also to propagate behaviors to maintain it.

VW Mind:  What are the dangers in tying our self-worth to our work, and could it ever be a good thing (i.e. having a sense of purpose, drive, etc.)?

Romanoff: If your self-worth is tied to what you do then all outcomes will influence your self-perception. Here lies the central conflict for people who fuse their identity with their work. They are often good at what they do, and as long as they are able to achieve and produce results, their self-worth remains sky-high. The trouble comes when they are unable to control the outcome of their work, unexpected developments arise, or they hit a rough patch. Career success is rarely linear, and when the inevitable stumbling blocks arise, they tend to experience a crisis in identity.

VW Mind:  A controversial topic, but is it ever really possible to achieve a perfect work-life balance?

Romanoff: It is possible to achieve a work-life balance, but not all the time, and not all at once.

The balance might not ever fully be achieved, rather it is something to constantly strive for, orienting our behaviors, and guiding our decisions 

VW Mind:  What are some not-so-obvious signs that your career is compromising your self-worth?

Romanoff: Criticism of your work is often internalized as a criticism of you as a person. If you find yourself constantly struggling to take in feedback as constructive and instead feel demoralized and dispirited you may be placing too much of your self-worth in your performance. When your sense of self is not entirely dependent on your work, it is easier to take in feedback, learn, and improve your performance for the next situation. When people are over-identified they tend to become defensive or dejected as they perceive criticism as a personal failure.

While work might only be part of your identity, you primarily present yourself through your work self and title. For example, when meeting new people you primarily talk about work and your responsibilities as a way to introduce yourself, during free time your thoughts are consumed with work situations, and all activities become secondary to your work life. People who are over-enmeshed find that everything in their life revolves around their job, as they might not make plans that could potentially interfere with unexpected work developments, plan their week around work obligations, and steer conversations around their work identity.

You find it hard to unplug and are constantly thinking about or checking in on work. Mentally, you are always at work, as you notice rituals like checking your work laptop each night before bed, or monitoring your phone for Slack or email updates. Essentially, over-enmeshed people are almost always at work mentally, regardless of whatever activity they appear to be doing physically. They tend to be superficially engaged in meals, parties, or social gatherings, as their primary focus remains at work. These tendencies lead to burnout and a lack of mental acuity.

Your relationships are distant, rocky, or tense. You either project your work stress onto your relationships or you are neglecting important people in your life to focus on work.

VW Mind: Do you find this has become more of a prevalent issue during the pandemic? For example, are people less inclined/able to be more productive or pursue more opportunities and are, as a result, harder on themselves?

Romanoff: Yes. While the pandemic provided more liberty in terms of where people are able to work, in many ways it reduced the boundaries between personal and work identities. Particularly for people working from home, spending all day plugged in at work tends to be the path of least resistance.

While more free time did open up, and people initially took advantage of that time by pursuing hobbies and connecting with old friends and family members, over time many made a return back to baseline. This coincides with Parkinson’s Law, in which work expands to the time that is available for its completion.

VW Mind: Outside of seeking therapy, what are some things we can do to regularly develop or boost our self-worth—both within and outside the workplace?

Romanoff:

Outside of work:

• Do things you enjoy, are good at, and build a sense of mastery—outside of the domain of work. This provides positive reinforcement and feelings of proficiency and capability. These moments will provide little reminders of your strengths and talents beyond your work identity.
• Exercise and challenge yourself each day. Inducing moderate strain on your body and striving toward increasingly advanced goals provides a tangible experience in which you can prove to yourself that you are capable of more than you thought. The strain recovery cycle of exercise will also recalibrate your mindset and lead to both mental and physical benefits for self-esteem.
• Challenge negative thoughts. Thoughts are not facts. And most of the time, they are distortions due to internalized critics, stress, and situational demands. Next time you have a negative self-thought, think of an alternative thought to replace it.

At work:

• Remember that self-esteem is not a fixed trait. We do not hold stable values of worth for ourselves, and for good reason. We need to be impacted by our experiences and environments to grow, become curious, and evolve. Incidents, people, and events that stir up strong emotions guide us to areas that require deeper processing. 
• Notice moments that trigger feelings of low self-worth at work and use them for deeper processing to learn what insecurity or challenge that situation is arising in you. You can use these situations to your advantage to learn more about yourself and areas that you can continue to work on.

VW Mind: What is a healthier way that we can measure success in our careers, where we can enjoy what we do but disconnect from the idea of pressuring ourselves to meet an unattainable ideal of how “success” is supposed to look?

Romanoff: There are many metrics for success, and unfortunately, we often default our system of measurement through tangible titles or compensation. Ultimately, those things don’t provide as much intrinsic motivation and fulfillment as other aspects that actually bring satisfaction (below).

Outline your goals for your projected career growth or path. This helps with instilling feelings of progression and will protect against concerns of being trapped in your position. This also provides perspective on the evolution of your career, learning, experience, and forward movement that you can work towards.

Try to establish the impact you are making in your job either with regard to your personal impact on your team or company, or the impact of your work on other people or society at large. 

VW Mind: Because so much of what we’ve learned results from what’s been instilled into us, how can we reframe conversations that perpetuate these beliefs with friends, family, and other people around us?

Romanoff: The best way to start is to lead by example. If you begin to cultivate other aspects of your identity, prioritize your relationships and friendships outside of work, and spend time engaging in other hobbies your friends will get an inlet into the positive effects of this shift and they likely will want to capitalize on those gains for themselves. 

VW Mind: Are there ways for people to talk about these issues with managers, bosses, etc to make sure that they are supported (but without sounding like they don’t care about their job)?

Romanoff: Before approaching your boss, identify the source of the problem. Are you enmeshed with work and overloading yourself due to self-imposed pressure? Or are unreasonable expectations being placed on you from external sources like your boss, team, or company? Usually, there is a combination of pressure, and it’s important to own your role in the maintenance of the uneven work-life balance in your life.

If the pressure is stemming from external sources, schedule a meeting with your boss and prepare solutions to request. For example, you could request that your tasks be delegated to other team members, more flexible hours to accommodate your priorities outside of work (e.g., to spend more time with your kids, parents, friends, or hobbies), a modified schedule (e.g., work longer days so you can have an extra day off), an additional work from home day (to cut down on your commute, spend more time with family, and reduce exposure to stressors in office), and lastly you could ask for time off to recalibrate your perspective and recharge.

VW Mind: What are some examples of things that you do on a regular basis to decompress or destress during or after a long day’s work?

Romanoff: To decompress after a long day I usually take a walk, run in Central Park, or go to an exercise class. I love cooking and having people over for dinner. The shared experience of enjoying a meal is one of my favorite ways to bring people together, connect, and spend time with the important people in my life.

VW Mind: What are some self-care practices our readers can incorporate regularly after a long day’s work? 

Romanoff:

• Move your body: Either go for a walk, schedule a workout class, or take a run. This will boost your energy level, recalibrate your perspective, and relieve stress from the day.
• Take a break from screens: Don’t replace the computer screen you’ve been staring at all day with your television or phone when you clock out. Instead, connect with a friend in person, read a book, cook, or engage in an activity. It can be tempting to engage in passive screen-based activities to unwind after work, but the accumulated effects of chronic screen time have been shown to lead to depression, fatigue, disordered sleep, and stress.
• Engage in an activity that capitalizes on non-work-related skills: For example, cook a meal and share it with your partner or friend, listen to music, or go to an event.