Healthy Boundaries in People with Addiction

We hear a lot about people with addictions having problems with boundaries, but it is not always clear what is meant by the term boundaries. In the literal sense of the word, a boundary is a dividing line that separates one area from another.

Although a boundary can be clearly marked by a fence or a road, it is never entirely clear exactly where one area ends and the other begins. In a similar way, when we use the word boundaries to describe limits and rules in relationships, some honest judgment is needed to decide which behaviors "cross the line." And herein lies the difficulty that people with addictions and their loved ones have with boundaries in relationships.

Simply put, boundaries are limits to what is acceptable or can be tolerated in a relationship. Boundaries are very individual, but people with addictions and those close to them often have problems with setting and sticking to boundaries in relationships. Some common areas of difficulty for boundaries and addictions are:

• Smoking in someone else's presence, around their children, or in their home.
• How much alcohol consumption and drunkenness is acceptable to each person in the relationship. This can be a problem for the partners of problem drinkers, and the adult children of alcoholics and heavy drinkers.
• What kinds of behavior are acceptable to each partner — particularly when the addicted partner is under the influence, as people who are drunk or on drugs can be embarrassing without realizing it.
• Pressuring someone else to drink or use drugs, topping up their drink without them noticing, or spiking their drink.
• Defining when each partner crosses the line from being emotionally expressive to verbally or emotionally abusive.
• Discussing intimacy issues with others outside of the relationship without your partner's permission.
• Using someone else as an alibi to cover up infidelity or other activities related to an addiction.

Addictions often raise issues of legality that need to be addressed by people in relationship with the addict. Some common areas where boundaries need to be set are:

• Limiting drunk driving or driving under the influence of drugs.
• Bringing controlled drugs into someone else's home or vehicle, as this can have legal consequences for the owner.
• Using someone else as an alibi to cover up illegal activities.

It goes without saying that the following broad principles can be applied to set good boundaries:

• Smoking, drinking and drug use are offensive to many people, and make many people feel uncomfortable. Err on the side of caution when exposing other people to these behaviors.
• Children are very vulnerable to adult influence — even without encouragement, they can be influenced just by watching what an adult does. Restrain your addictive behaviors in front of children and younger people.
• Never implicate another person in your illegal activities.
• Never touch another person with unwelcome sexual or aggressive intent while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
• Carefully listen to others when they tell you about your behavior while under the influence. You may think you are witty, the life and soul of the party, or incredibly generous while drunk, whereas, in reality, you may be ridiculous, overly gregarious, or pushy with alcohol or drugs.

If you are the one who needs to set boundaries, always do so in a respectful and direct manner. A confrontational tone is not effective in this situation. Use "I' statements, sticking to the facts only, and try to describe your own experience rather than the addict's. For instance, you could say, "I feel upset when I get home every night and the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes." Using an "I" statement is definitely less likely to provoke defensiveness in the addict, although he or she still may react. But when you are setting a healthy boundary, you are more likely to reach your goal using this method. Chances are that the addict in your life is more likely to listen when you use "I" statements.